I'm Sorry Isn't Going to Get It This Time

I never thought that a person that was so close to me would do so many things to not only hurt me but hurt others and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. After the demise of a friendship the other day, I received several texts stating that they were sorry and that they did not know what they said would hurt me. Now this person knew a lot about me and I find it truly hard to believe that they did not know that the situation would make me mad since they lie about everything else. They felt as though everything should go back to normal and that I should just forget it. One thing I can do is forgive, one thing I can't it forget. Sometimes people fail to understand the extent of what they do or they have lied so much they are just oblivious to the fact that they have done yet another deed to piss someone off. I know that god has been telling me for a long time to let this person go out of my life but I had such a hard time turning my back on a person that had been there for me through some of the worst things in my life. I guess sometimes when we do not take heed to the word God has to put us in a situation where we have to listen and that was it for me. For some odd reason, I expected to be sad or hurt but I am not. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder and I can freely just move on with life and leave that behind me. Everyone that you come across in life is not there for the long haul but it is sometimes hard to recognize when to just say your purpose has been fulfilled and it is time for me to just let go. I guess I have had to learn a hard lesson and in the end it will be okay but I will make sure to really listen to God more and seek him on decisions.

Betrayal

There are times in your life where you just have to evaluate someone's role in your life. I have been back and forth with someone for years and once I finally got to a point where I could be friends with them, I was betrayed again. If there is one thing that I do not like is hearing information that I should hear directly from the source from another person. Not my deal. If I ask you to tell me the truth about something then just go ahead and tell me because if I hear it from someone else, it makes me look at you differently and at some point, I just can't recover from that. I had to make the decision to separate myself completely and just let go. Even though there was an apology, it didn't mean anything to me. There has just been so many lies told on their end I don't feel the need to decipher the truth. I can only go based on how I am feeling right now and that is betrayed. I guess when you put your trust and faith in a person and they do something to hurt you then you can just turn your emotions off. At least that is how it seemed to happen for me. I was no longer the person that was understanding. I was no longer the one that wanted to hear it. I was no longer the person that cared. I guess it is really true that a person can only take so much. I prayed about this situation for a long time and it was no longer sitting well in my spirit so I knew I just had to walk away from my friendship but I didn't know how. I guess the other nigth God put me in the position where I did not have another choice. I couldn't take it any more and no matter how many times the person said they were sorry it was the equivalent of dead silence to me. My heart was numb and closed. I didnt have it in me to continue but I knew it was the best decision I could have made because it would only continue to drag me down. Can I forgive? Of course I can, I have already done it but that doesn't mean that I have to continue something that is not good for me. I thought this would hurt me but it didn't. Instead I was angry. I yelled, I said things that I have pinned up inside for years, I screamed but one thing I didn't do was cry. I am a very sensitive person and when I am talking to you about something emotional and I can't cry about it anymore then I am done and that is just it. I had to learn at an early age that it is just best sometimes to let some people go and just leave it at that. My sanity means more to me than a dead end Friendship/relationship. Sad but true I guess. Until next time my friends.

Boxing

I have never been a boxing fan but I would watch Mike Tyson back in the day. I just never understood the importance of the sport in order for it to be interesting to me. you put two men in a ring until one of them either gets too tired to keep going on or it is a TKO. For about two years in one aspect or another, I feel like I have been caught up in a boxing match that won't end. I feel like I get knocked down and I get back up thinking ok you've got this and then I get punched in the face. Next time the gut and I am on the ropes fighting to keep standing. I am not sure how much longer I am going to have to fight but I make sure that I get back up and keep at it. I serve a God that says to have faith even in the midst of my trials and tribulations so I must keep fighting. I know that if I have faith and stay in the fight, he will come and get me when it is time. See, if it were up to me, I would waive the magic wand and everyting will be okay and go back to the way things were. Back when I was happy and full of life. It is not meant to be that way because even on the days like today when I am feeling my worst, I am still blessed beyond measure. Even though I am not where I was in life, I know that I am not supposed to be. God wants more for me. He wants to give me better. How can I have better when I keep latching on to things of old. We never really understand how or why God does something and we are really not even supposed to. All we should do is pray and say God you know what "I know you have this under control now so I am going to sit down and keep being faithful to your Word until you tell me the next move". I said that pretty easily but can I live it. It is really hard to live by and who knows that better than me. A person who loves control. I want to have control over all aspects of my life from being finished with school in a certain amount of time, getting married, buying a house, etc. Absolutely non of them have worked out the WAY I PLANNED IT TO so I guess it is time for me to sit down and let God drive and for me to be a passenger. I am going to make sure that I put my seatbelt on though because I have no clue where he is taking me and he may drive fast.... Love you guys... Until next time...

How long????

This past seven months has been really hard for me. I am a really independent person and I like to handle things on my own so when I lost my job, I never anticipated seven months later that I would still be unemployed. I was accustomed to financially being on top of things. Sure, I had problems like everyone else but it was rarely an occasion where I could not handle something. Financially it has been rough and I have prayed a lot and I know that God is going to answer me but I sometimes want to say God how long do I have to endure? Am I not answering the questions on the test correctly? What do you have in store for me? One day I decided just not to worry about it any more. When the time is right for me to have a job then he will give me one. When it is time for my breakthrough to come it will simply happen. I have managed to semi stay afloat when others have not been able to. God has placed someone in my life that has been such a blessing to me and I will never know how to thank her. On the days when you need someone to talk to and you dont know where to turn, I have been able to share things with her that I have kept locked away. Things from my past that I just needed to let go. I carried that weight too long. You never know who God is going to bring you out or how long it will take. The Bible tells true testaments of how a person can go through things but still hold their faith like they can block everything out that is going on around them and focus completely on God and God alone. I know in my heart that God has something special for me and this is just my time to endure the hardship in order to be groomed. I have been chosen for battle. I often wonder how long the battle is and will I be strong enough to fight and then all of a sudden I get a renewed sense of peace that carries me through. Perhaps this is Gods way of seeing how strong I am going to be and to see how I will handle the next level. I really like the relationship I have with God right now. I can talk to him more freely. I can speak to him in terms that only we can understand. I initially saw this as a punishment for something that maybe I did wrong along the way and maybe it really is but now my perspective is one of joy and hope. I have been able to renew a relationship with him that was not failing but was not as close as it should have been. I may not be where I want to be but I am happy to know that he is with me no matter what happens.

What do you say?

A friend of mine post last weekend that her mother was in the hospital complaining of headaches. Then the unevitable happened. The word cancer appeared and things took a turn for the worst almost immediately. You remain hopeful, you pray, you question, you cry, you scream... Her mother passed away this morning. She lives in Washington State and her family is here in Albany so she was not able to be here to hold her hand or to say her final goodbyes. On top of all of that, her husband is job hunting so money is tight and she didnt know how she was going to get home. A classmate was finally able to get her to let us make donations in order to get her a ticket to be here for the funeral. Right now I feel like what do you say when you don't really know what to say? I can not imagine being in her shoes right now. Not being able to call my mom daily and just talk about the silly stuff we talk about or getting aggravated with her when she tries to handle everything like I am a little kid. The very thought brings me to the brink of a serious anxiety attack. God does everything for a reason and I know you are not supposed to question God but sometimes you just want to look at him and say why... Or why did it have to happen to me this way? I feel so horrible inside and it is not even happening to me. This girl has been an outlet for me sometimes. She has remained strong on the days when I have been weak. She has shared some things with me that I did not know that are somewhat parallel to my own life. It is amazing how you can know someone for so long and not know the details of their life until God allows you to share with that person. I want to hug her. I want to say everything will be okay. I want to say something but what do you say to someone who has just lost their mother. I have decided to go to the funeral to lend my support but I hope that I am able to be the s one this time.

Life Changes

There has been so many things that have changed in my life this past year. I was put in a transitional phase that I was somewhat ready for but not completely. Several aspects of my life seemed to be falling apart and I did not understand why this was happening to me and why now. I was not completely shocked about the work situation but when it happened I was not worried at all because I know that God has something great in store for me. No one plans on losing their job but for the first time in my life I am actually enjoying the time. I would love to have a decent income but the time I have been able to focus on my child and school is immeasureable. I have been on the go since I was 18 years old. I have always worked hard but I have accomplished a lot although it has take me a long time to get there. The point is that I got there. Even aspects of my personal life are all over the place. Some things that have happened I just didn't expect. You can never prepare yourself enough emotionally for some things that take place in your life but I have had to wrap all of my tragedies up in a pretty little package and deliver them to God personally because as long as I continuted to carry it, things were never going to turn out how he planned and the situation is just going to get prolonged. I am ready for a change and changes have come although I am taking my time with it. Some things provide a distraction more than a solution and often times at certain points we can not even tell the difference. God has a special way of giving you a sense of peace about things that no one else can give you. I do not always understand what is going on and I am not going to say that it does not make me uneasy at times but my pastor always says "there's something in the wait" so I will continue waiting until my breakthrough comes. Gotta go my friends... Will write again soon...

Our American Idol

A guy from my home town was named the 2012 American Idol. I have had the pleasure of meeting him as well as hearing him play so it was really sweet to see him on TV living his dream. I worked with his sisters and his family has such a sweet and humble spirit. One of his sisters runs Mission Change which does a lot of work for the community. Now although he had a great opportunity that only a select few have received there is always a lesson to be learned. I guess it is really true that there is never a testimony without a test. God has a special ways of taking us through a test without us even knowing sometimes. Here it is, a guy from a small town going to audition to live a life doing what he loves best. From moment one he won the world over not only with his voice but with his personality. All throughout the competition, the judges and the world were giving him advice on things he could change about himself to be better but he never waivered and stayed true to himself. Never once did he say well since so and so said this let me change this up for the next week. God wants that out of all of us. He wants us to stand up for what we believe and never waiver from being true to what we believe in our hearts. I am sure that people told him he would never make it but when you truly know God for yourself, you know that if there is a desire in your heart and you have faith and live your life according to God's Word he will always keep his promise to you. You can tell that he has the spirit to do great things and reach a lot of people through his music. One of the sweetest moments of the whole competition to me was after he was named the winner and was singing what is to be his first single, he could not even get through the song because emotion took over as reality was setting in for him. As the tears began to roll, he left the stage and went to hug the people that have stood by him the most (his family). It was such a sweet moment to see the support and love they have for each other. A true testament of faith and perserverance and I pray that he reaches people in a different way through song.