How long????

This past seven months has been really hard for me. I am a really independent person and I like to handle things on my own so when I lost my job, I never anticipated seven months later that I would still be unemployed. I was accustomed to financially being on top of things. Sure, I had problems like everyone else but it was rarely an occasion where I could not handle something. Financially it has been rough and I have prayed a lot and I know that God is going to answer me but I sometimes want to say God how long do I have to endure? Am I not answering the questions on the test correctly? What do you have in store for me? One day I decided just not to worry about it any more. When the time is right for me to have a job then he will give me one. When it is time for my breakthrough to come it will simply happen. I have managed to semi stay afloat when others have not been able to. God has placed someone in my life that has been such a blessing to me and I will never know how to thank her. On the days when you need someone to talk to and you dont know where to turn, I have been able to share things with her that I have kept locked away. Things from my past that I just needed to let go. I carried that weight too long. You never know who God is going to bring you out or how long it will take. The Bible tells true testaments of how a person can go through things but still hold their faith like they can block everything out that is going on around them and focus completely on God and God alone. I know in my heart that God has something special for me and this is just my time to endure the hardship in order to be groomed. I have been chosen for battle. I often wonder how long the battle is and will I be strong enough to fight and then all of a sudden I get a renewed sense of peace that carries me through. Perhaps this is Gods way of seeing how strong I am going to be and to see how I will handle the next level. I really like the relationship I have with God right now. I can talk to him more freely. I can speak to him in terms that only we can understand. I initially saw this as a punishment for something that maybe I did wrong along the way and maybe it really is but now my perspective is one of joy and hope. I have been able to renew a relationship with him that was not failing but was not as close as it should have been. I may not be where I want to be but I am happy to know that he is with me no matter what happens.

What do you say?

A friend of mine post last weekend that her mother was in the hospital complaining of headaches. Then the unevitable happened. The word cancer appeared and things took a turn for the worst almost immediately. You remain hopeful, you pray, you question, you cry, you scream... Her mother passed away this morning. She lives in Washington State and her family is here in Albany so she was not able to be here to hold her hand or to say her final goodbyes. On top of all of that, her husband is job hunting so money is tight and she didnt know how she was going to get home. A classmate was finally able to get her to let us make donations in order to get her a ticket to be here for the funeral. Right now I feel like what do you say when you don't really know what to say? I can not imagine being in her shoes right now. Not being able to call my mom daily and just talk about the silly stuff we talk about or getting aggravated with her when she tries to handle everything like I am a little kid. The very thought brings me to the brink of a serious anxiety attack. God does everything for a reason and I know you are not supposed to question God but sometimes you just want to look at him and say why... Or why did it have to happen to me this way? I feel so horrible inside and it is not even happening to me. This girl has been an outlet for me sometimes. She has remained strong on the days when I have been weak. She has shared some things with me that I did not know that are somewhat parallel to my own life. It is amazing how you can know someone for so long and not know the details of their life until God allows you to share with that person. I want to hug her. I want to say everything will be okay. I want to say something but what do you say to someone who has just lost their mother. I have decided to go to the funeral to lend my support but I hope that I am able to be the s one this time.

Life Changes

There has been so many things that have changed in my life this past year. I was put in a transitional phase that I was somewhat ready for but not completely. Several aspects of my life seemed to be falling apart and I did not understand why this was happening to me and why now. I was not completely shocked about the work situation but when it happened I was not worried at all because I know that God has something great in store for me. No one plans on losing their job but for the first time in my life I am actually enjoying the time. I would love to have a decent income but the time I have been able to focus on my child and school is immeasureable. I have been on the go since I was 18 years old. I have always worked hard but I have accomplished a lot although it has take me a long time to get there. The point is that I got there. Even aspects of my personal life are all over the place. Some things that have happened I just didn't expect. You can never prepare yourself enough emotionally for some things that take place in your life but I have had to wrap all of my tragedies up in a pretty little package and deliver them to God personally because as long as I continuted to carry it, things were never going to turn out how he planned and the situation is just going to get prolonged. I am ready for a change and changes have come although I am taking my time with it. Some things provide a distraction more than a solution and often times at certain points we can not even tell the difference. God has a special way of giving you a sense of peace about things that no one else can give you. I do not always understand what is going on and I am not going to say that it does not make me uneasy at times but my pastor always says "there's something in the wait" so I will continue waiting until my breakthrough comes. Gotta go my friends... Will write again soon...

Our American Idol

A guy from my home town was named the 2012 American Idol. I have had the pleasure of meeting him as well as hearing him play so it was really sweet to see him on TV living his dream. I worked with his sisters and his family has such a sweet and humble spirit. One of his sisters runs Mission Change which does a lot of work for the community. Now although he had a great opportunity that only a select few have received there is always a lesson to be learned. I guess it is really true that there is never a testimony without a test. God has a special ways of taking us through a test without us even knowing sometimes. Here it is, a guy from a small town going to audition to live a life doing what he loves best. From moment one he won the world over not only with his voice but with his personality. All throughout the competition, the judges and the world were giving him advice on things he could change about himself to be better but he never waivered and stayed true to himself. Never once did he say well since so and so said this let me change this up for the next week. God wants that out of all of us. He wants us to stand up for what we believe and never waiver from being true to what we believe in our hearts. I am sure that people told him he would never make it but when you truly know God for yourself, you know that if there is a desire in your heart and you have faith and live your life according to God's Word he will always keep his promise to you. You can tell that he has the spirit to do great things and reach a lot of people through his music. One of the sweetest moments of the whole competition to me was after he was named the winner and was singing what is to be his first single, he could not even get through the song because emotion took over as reality was setting in for him. As the tears began to roll, he left the stage and went to hug the people that have stood by him the most (his family). It was such a sweet moment to see the support and love they have for each other. A true testament of faith and perserverance and I pray that he reaches people in a different way through song.

Changes

Wow... It has been a minute but so many things have changed in my life since the year began. God is just taking me through so many things lately sometimes I feel like if I blink I will miss something. A little over a week ago I lost my job and the first thing people tend to ask is "how do you feel" or "what are you going to do now" without thinking that you have already answered these questions in your mind and do not feel the need to speak about them every day like you have nothing else better to do but focus on the negative. That is a sure fire way to allow a situation to take you over. I said to a friend at the beginning of the year that I was going to have a new job in March and my final day at my old one was March 1st. Now I did not know god was going to remove me from that one but hey, if that is what it takes for me to get to where I need to be then so be it. I amready to take the world by storm and I am still getting paid my full pay until the end of next month so hey, it is a vacation before embarking on my new journey. At least that is how I like to look at it anyway. If God did not think I could handle the transition he would not have placed me here so I get up and enjoy my days and move right along. I have also had some things happen in my personal life as well but I am letting him work all of that out as well because it says that he will give us all of the desires of our hearts and I am a firm believer that God wants us to all be happy and that he saves his best for us not the mediocre mess we attach ourselves to so if he takes something away, it doesn't always mean that he will not give it back but if it is something that he has taken away permanately, then it is best for us to just let that go as well. Sometimes God takes things away from us until we are ready to handle them or handle something better so I do not worry about things as I would before I got a better understanding of Gods word but now I am like ok God... Let's get it... I am ready to conquer whatever task it is you have for me right now. If I have to cry then let me cry and wipe my tears away so that I can get right back on the battlefield. Love you all... Until next time... Stay prayerful...

The New Year has Begun

I have been MIA from my blog but for good reason. Reflection, life, and school has kept me busy but I would like to be able to write more and now since I have a little time, here we go. The New Year comes around and people seem to get all excited about change. I have always wondered why people feel that things are going to change instantly because it is no longer 2011. Did God send you a special message that stated that the New YEar would take away the problems of the old one? If he did, may I read it. I would like to think of the New Year as a fresh start but to be honest with you, every day is a fresh start. A new day to accomplish new things, meet new people, talk to God more, spend more time with your family, etc. People should strive to be their best every day that God wakes them up.. I for one take my days for granted sometimes but I have learned as I have gotten older and more in the Word that there our days are numbered and we do not know when our last day is. So as some make resolutions so to speak, do not forget the one person that loved you enough to allow you to stay.

I'm Back

I have not had much of a desire to write for a while. My best friend passed away a few months ago and I ultimately felt like a piece of me was gone. It took me a while to reciver but I have moved to the point of acceptance. There has been so many things that has happened lately all of which I seem to pray about daily. I know God hears my and knows that my tears are not tears of doubt in him but tears of frustration. Some days I just do not seem to understand why I go through what I am going through but I know that God is in control and I must continue to trust him and allow him to guide me because I know he does not make any mistakes although in reality it seems like he does though. You know in an impatient world we always want instant results when we know that he makes us wait on things sometimes because we are not equipped to handle them. Tonight I am sitting just thinking and writing because I have some decisions to make and I thought it would just be easy and I could just go on but for some reason I can not. I know that God is dealing with me because it is almost 1 in the morning and I am up writing on my blog knowing that I should be sleep right now. I am seeking clarification on some things and I hope he provides that for me while I am spending some quiet time seeking him... Love you guys