Betrayal

There are times in your life where you just have to evaluate someone's role in your life. I have been back and forth with someone for years and once I finally got to a point where I could be friends with them, I was betrayed again. If there is one thing that I do not like is hearing information that I should hear directly from the source from another person. Not my deal. If I ask you to tell me the truth about something then just go ahead and tell me because if I hear it from someone else, it makes me look at you differently and at some point, I just can't recover from that. I had to make the decision to separate myself completely and just let go. Even though there was an apology, it didn't mean anything to me. There has just been so many lies told on their end I don't feel the need to decipher the truth. I can only go based on how I am feeling right now and that is betrayed. I guess when you put your trust and faith in a person and they do something to hurt you then you can just turn your emotions off. At least that is how it seemed to happen for me. I was no longer the person that was understanding. I was no longer the one that wanted to hear it. I was no longer the person that cared. I guess it is really true that a person can only take so much. I prayed about this situation for a long time and it was no longer sitting well in my spirit so I knew I just had to walk away from my friendship but I didn't know how. I guess the other nigth God put me in the position where I did not have another choice. I couldn't take it any more and no matter how many times the person said they were sorry it was the equivalent of dead silence to me. My heart was numb and closed. I didnt have it in me to continue but I knew it was the best decision I could have made because it would only continue to drag me down. Can I forgive? Of course I can, I have already done it but that doesn't mean that I have to continue something that is not good for me. I thought this would hurt me but it didn't. Instead I was angry. I yelled, I said things that I have pinned up inside for years, I screamed but one thing I didn't do was cry. I am a very sensitive person and when I am talking to you about something emotional and I can't cry about it anymore then I am done and that is just it. I had to learn at an early age that it is just best sometimes to let some people go and just leave it at that. My sanity means more to me than a dead end Friendship/relationship. Sad but true I guess. Until next time my friends.

Boxing

I have never been a boxing fan but I would watch Mike Tyson back in the day. I just never understood the importance of the sport in order for it to be interesting to me. you put two men in a ring until one of them either gets too tired to keep going on or it is a TKO. For about two years in one aspect or another, I feel like I have been caught up in a boxing match that won't end. I feel like I get knocked down and I get back up thinking ok you've got this and then I get punched in the face. Next time the gut and I am on the ropes fighting to keep standing. I am not sure how much longer I am going to have to fight but I make sure that I get back up and keep at it. I serve a God that says to have faith even in the midst of my trials and tribulations so I must keep fighting. I know that if I have faith and stay in the fight, he will come and get me when it is time. See, if it were up to me, I would waive the magic wand and everyting will be okay and go back to the way things were. Back when I was happy and full of life. It is not meant to be that way because even on the days like today when I am feeling my worst, I am still blessed beyond measure. Even though I am not where I was in life, I know that I am not supposed to be. God wants more for me. He wants to give me better. How can I have better when I keep latching on to things of old. We never really understand how or why God does something and we are really not even supposed to. All we should do is pray and say God you know what "I know you have this under control now so I am going to sit down and keep being faithful to your Word until you tell me the next move". I said that pretty easily but can I live it. It is really hard to live by and who knows that better than me. A person who loves control. I want to have control over all aspects of my life from being finished with school in a certain amount of time, getting married, buying a house, etc. Absolutely non of them have worked out the WAY I PLANNED IT TO so I guess it is time for me to sit down and let God drive and for me to be a passenger. I am going to make sure that I put my seatbelt on though because I have no clue where he is taking me and he may drive fast.... Love you guys... Until next time...