I'm Back

I have not had much of a desire to write for a while. My best friend passed away a few months ago and I ultimately felt like a piece of me was gone. It took me a while to reciver but I have moved to the point of acceptance. There has been so many things that has happened lately all of which I seem to pray about daily. I know God hears my and knows that my tears are not tears of doubt in him but tears of frustration. Some days I just do not seem to understand why I go through what I am going through but I know that God is in control and I must continue to trust him and allow him to guide me because I know he does not make any mistakes although in reality it seems like he does though. You know in an impatient world we always want instant results when we know that he makes us wait on things sometimes because we are not equipped to handle them. Tonight I am sitting just thinking and writing because I have some decisions to make and I thought it would just be easy and I could just go on but for some reason I can not. I know that God is dealing with me because it is almost 1 in the morning and I am up writing on my blog knowing that I should be sleep right now. I am seeking clarification on some things and I hope he provides that for me while I am spending some quiet time seeking him... Love you guys

His Lady

I have just have so many things on my mind lately from love to career. Sometimes I ask myself am I making the right decisions or am I going the wrong way... I have been reading this book by TD Jakes named His Lady and it covers some of everything that you could feel from anxiety to worrying and it gives you a scripture to go with it. Well this morning I was just emotionally all over the place and I got to the section of the book about "longing" and how we wait for things and how our minds just focus on that one thing so much that we lose sight of everything else. The verse that went with it was from Luke 11:9-10 and reads "And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks receives. Everyone who seeks, finds." And the door is always opened to evryone who knocks." Well I felt slapped in the face. Sometimes we can take a situation and just focus on it so much until it feels like our eyeballs are going to pop out of our head. I mean really. I am so glad that my relationship with God is so special that he knows just how to reach me and when to reach me. I could not sleep last night worrying about a situation and a certain aspect of my life but now I feel at peace because I know that God has placed what I need to do in my heart. Often times we lead with our minds and think we know everything and guess what.... We mess it up worse than what we did before but God always looks at our hearts and maybe it is time I pay a little mroe attention to what is in mine and focus on that and not what I think all the time. Textbooks prepare me for work but the Bible prepares me for life and maybe I should spend a little more time reading that than other things. I am finding out so many things about myself that I never knew before by just spending a little quality time with God.

Death

Death has seemed to attack my family this week. Two deaths in two days both sudden and tragic. It seems like a movie and then when the credits roll everything goes back to normal but undoubtedly the movie is still playing. Then on top of all of that a friend sent a prayer request email for a friend of hers who's mother is in the hospital and not doing all that well. I can only imagine what she feels like or what she is thinking or how her reactions are because I have never gone through anything like that with my mother. Generally a mother is the backbone of the family. The comforter, counselor, cook, maid, etc so how can one react and deal when the source of their being is now depending upon them for strength. My friend has lost both her mother and her father and from what I can tell they were great people because she has a beautiful spirit and has been a great friend to me but I know how big her heart is and that she is constantly reminded of her own loss when other situations strike that are close to her. There are really no words you can say to a person to make it all better or to ease the pain or stress. Sometimes it is like you just want to look up at God and throw your hands up and say what now. WE generally do not understand his motives until after the fact but still in the moment it is hard to stay faithful to the Word when everything seems to be going all wrong. The only thing I can offer to her right now is prayer that Gods will be done for her and her mother and that they have strength to endure whatever it is he decides and gives them a sense of peace over the decision. Love you guys!!!

The Wall

We had such a good time in church yesterday. I think this was one of the best times we ever had. Before the service started our pastor gave us an opportunity to write down the things we needed God to either change or bless us with in life like our financial situations, relationships, vehicles, house whatever it was on your heart that you need to tell God. Then we balled each item up individually and threw it at the Alter. You were officially leaving that problem to God to handle from that point on. Sometimes in life we build our own walls by constantly worrying and constantly trying to do things on our own. God does not want us to carry around our own burden. He wants us to give it to him for him to work it out for us. That is where we go wrong in life a lot of times. Always trying to do things on our own and messing it right up along the way. Yesterday, it was offical. No more talking or thinking about what is wrong in my life and trying to fix it on my own. I threw all of my needs at the alter for God to have because I know when he shows up it is going to be a mighty move because God has made some promises to me and just as long as I hold up my end of the bargain then it is all good. Until next time my people!!!

Time is Precious

Over the course of my life I have learned so many things. One important thing that I have learned is to appreciate time. My childhood best friend has been sick off and on since we were kids and the doctors have told her that she may not have long to live. Only God knows her destiny but I am not sad because she taught me that time is precious. It wasn’t until the last few months that this revelation has come full circle but you get the picture. Her boyfriend expressed to me a few months ago that he wanted to get married but was unsure if he was ready because he was not financially where he wanted to be. This morning he proposed. I had the pleasure of speaking to him about an hour or so after it happened and I asked why now. He simply said “Tomecca, I know that I want to be with her 20 years from now but with her illness I am unsure that I have 20 days left. I have taken so much of her precious time away from her through my own selfishness of not being ready all the while all she wanted from me is for me to love her and be with her and keep her safe.” He told me this morning he woke up and looked over at her and realized there was no place he would rather be and he knew she was “the one.” At that very moment, I realized that I may not have 2 weeks from now to tell someone that I love them or go on that fabulous vacation that I have always longed to go on. She has taught me to cherish every moment and treat it like it is my last. God has given me 31 precious years with her and I treasure each moment with her down to the Halloween we dressed up as hookers and actually stood outside on the corner in our neighborhood and passed out candy to the days we were living the carefree life thinking 30 years old was ancient and that we would be wrinkled by now. Little did we know. I really want to be selfish and ask God to let her stay with me but I know her body is weary and she is tired. Whether he lets her stay with me for 3 more days or 30 more years I am blessed that he allowed her to be a part of my life for as long as she has. They are getting married as soon as they can get the license and her father is going to marry them. I think that is the most precious thing in the world to look at someone and just know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them. This has been a subject that I have kept to myself and it is hard for me to talk about so I just used writing as my outlet because I told her I would not cry… Little does she know in the beginning when I found out I cried daily BUT I am okay now because every morning when I wake up she sends me a text of nothing but a picture of her smile so I can not cry when every morning I wake up looking at teeth and lips. LOL!! Have a good day!!!

God Knows Me All Too Well

I have been meditating and praying on some things in my life and for some odd reason I have been waking up at around 4:30 every morning but it has allowed me to have some quiet time with God. Some much needed quiet time at that. I have been seeking him for a few months and he has sent me various bible verses all pertaining to the things I have been praying about but today was different. When I get up I always read my Daily Bible Verse and my email from Joel Osteen. Now Joel Osteens message seems like it was written just for me today. The message was from Isaiah 65:24 and then he went into detail by saying: Have you ever thought about something you wanted or needed, and suddenly that need was supplied even before you had time to stop and pray? God knows your needs before you even speak them. He wants to provide for you and answer the very desires of your heart. Don’t ever think God is too busy to answer you. Don’t ever think your needs are too small or that you don’t matter. The truth is that He cares about everything that concerns you, and He loves to hear you call upon His name! When you put Him first in everything you do, when you faithfully follow His commands, He’ll pour out an extra portion of His goodness and favor upon you! Remember, you are very special to God, and He hears you and answers you. It may not be in your timing or in the way you expected, but know that He always has your best interest at heart. He is working things out for your good, and He will always answer — sometimes before you even call! I felt like someone slapped me in the face. I had that are you kidding me right now look on my face. They took the words right out of my mouth. I have been praying about something and although the door has not fully opened there is a crack in it which I know is his doing and if it is for me then it will be for me. I continue to get the same messages over and over again and I was wondering why so I guess today he got tired of me asking and sent me an email confirmation. Until next time!!!

Sense of Peace

Some days are better than others and today is just not one of those days that I want to be bothered. I am just tired and ready for a break and not in the mood for talking and interacting. I have been praying and seeking God for some things in my life and for the first time in a long time I have a sense of peace about the direction that I am going. I no longer have questions or doubts or losing sleep or anything like that. When the desires of my heart aligned with the Word of God is when that sense of peace came. Just as long as I was losing sleep and stuff that is when I knew that I was not on the right path. Sometimes God will just let you sit there and come up with whatever it is YOU feel the need to come up with until you get it right. Then when you get it right he will let you know. See there were things and people that I had in my life that I needed to let go of before I could have the things in life that I wanted. I just had a problem with letting those people go but when I did I have no regrets and I do not look back. Some people talked too much and some didn't seem to talk enough but all in all the people who are in my life right now I love and cherish because I know they are supposed to be there. I have learned so many things about myself in the past few days but all in all those were things that I needed to know about me without talking to or being bothered with other people. I am good on the things that I want and need though and for once I finally feel like I am getting it right. Until next time!!!

Explosion

Some days I feel like my mind is going to explode. Some days I feel like I know too much and some I feel like I do not know enough. There has been something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a long time and I have asked God for guidance and I feel like he has finally given me an answer but I have no clue how to execute. Then out of all things I am contemplating going back to school again because I just do not have anything else better to do I guess plus I have a retirement plan and the doctoral degree will come in handy with that. I always feel like I need to have a life plan although nothing ever seems to work out the way I want it to but God has the best plan in the world for me and I think that I will stick with that one. Things always make sense in our mind but you know how that is. God says one thing and we are determined to do what we want until he shuts that down. I guess for me right now I have been doing a lot of praying and reading the Bible and keeping to myself. That is the best thing. I cloud my own mind with madness I do not need any help from anyone else because I have learned that people do not always have your best interest at heart so you might as well not even bother with telling them. Well I am going to go to bed and relax my mind. Tomorrow is a new day!!!!

Saying Goodbye

Why is saying goodbye so hard to do even when we know it is the right thing to do? There has been someone in my life that I should have let go a long time ago but I couldn't because we were always such close friends. When I say close I mean really close. I told this person everything and we went through so much together but there were just certain things about the situation that I knew were not right and I know that God is keeping my blessing because of it. I was told on three separate occasions by three different prophets that there was someone in my life that I needed to let go and in my heart I knew who it was but I was just not ready to say goodbye. There were just so many different things that were running through my head and my heart that I just did not know what to do until now. People are in your lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I can not have my lifetime person if I continue holding on to my seasonal person. They have fulfilled their purpose in my life and I am comfortable with moving on. I am at peace with my decision whereas I was not before. When you do the right thing God will give you a sense of peace and that is what I now have and I can move on in my life with a clean heart.

The Desires of Our Hearts

Now a friend of mine and I have been discussing things this week never really telling the other what was wrong but we seem to just be on the same page. She sent out an email this morning from Psalm 37 and I was also reading in Psalm 37 this morning too. Imagine that. Now on to what I was reading, was Psalm 37:4 which states Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart... Lets not all jump up and down because God does not just do what we want when we want him to you must read on. In the next verse, it says "Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." On down in verse 7 it says "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently on him.... Now looky here. Here is where you have to do your part. You have to commit your way unto him and have faith in what you want. I was reading online on a Christian blog where a man was telling his story and the title of the blog was actually "The Desires of your Heart".. Ok God, I am getting it now. Anyway, he was having a disagreement with a friend of his because the friend told him that he wanted a son and that God was going to give him a son because that was the desire of his heart and the guy writing the blog was like don't make it sound so simple, well his friend Charles said that I desired a beautiful wife and I got one, I desired two beautiful daughters and was blessed with them, and then he said he desired a son and God would bless im with that also. Charles died before he could have a son. Now the guy writing the blog was like now it does say that in the Bible but you have to work too and do your part. His story was a beautiful one that made me think about my own life. a passage that stuck out to me was " God does mean what he says; when you commit your ways to hom he will give you the desires of your heart, and not desires that he suddenly places in your heart, but your deepest desires, desires that have been there all along, desires you may not even know are there, desires that have been buried so deeply that only God can see them." It made me think about my own life and some things that I desire. Yes I asked God for these things but then I jsut lost my faith because it seems like after I asked for them that things got worse and not better and I was so discouraged about it but for some odd reason that verse was on my heart today and the most important part is that Yes God does want me to have the desires of my heart but I can not feel defeated every time something does not happen the way I want it to right then you know. That is not showing my faith. I think today I am going to write a letter to God and place it next to that Bible verse so he can get an understanding of where I am coming from and what I am trying to accomplish. God reaches me on the web so I like to writ so I have to write to him from time to time. Love you guys...

Did You Really Just Say That to Me?

I just had a conversation with my friend Danette about negativity... I know if I take something to her we can talk about it without getting all deep and stuff. I was telling her that I was talking to someone about a problem I was having and how the answer was always something negative. Never well pray about it and it will get better. They brought God into the situation but it was more along the lines of give up what you want and ask for this. God says in his word that he will give me the desires of MY HEART... Key word: MY. Only God knows my heart and if he has promised me something no matter what it is then I will have it. It may not be right now but I will have it eventually when he feels that I am ready. Sometimes we feel like we are ready for things and we are not and God is testing our faith and then we let the thoughts of others cloud our judgement. What kinda mess? If you really think about it is the person really being a good friend by feeding you negativity? I mean we have all said negative things to people in a situation but we learn and we grow and sometimes people do not grow with us. I have had to just let some people in my life go. If they were meant to be there then God will bring them back to me. Simple as that.. If not then their purpose in my life has been fulfilled and it is time to move on. I think I have talked about three different things all in the one post. I am tired. I counsel the elderly and you would think mentally I am 92 sometimes.. Until next time my loves...

Are You Ready to Submit

We were having an interesting conversation the other day about Ephesians 5: 21-33. I am not going to post what the verses say because you can do the legwork yourself but it is talking about submission and loving and respecting each other in marriage. The question to the women was were you ready to submit. Now as valid as that question was coming from a man, as you read the passage for yourself you will see that the man plays a vital role in that submission. It clearly says that the man should be the head of the wife as God was the head of the church. Now we all know that God handled his business but he said that is what a man is supposed to do in marriage. So why was the question not are you ready to submit yourselves to one another. Men are supposed to love their wives as they love their own body meaning providing for her as you would yourself. The conversation took a turn from there. As a woman, I am ready to submit myself to a man that is ready for me to submit to. Not saying that I am going to be someone's flunkee because I can take care of myself but you know what I mean. Respect goes both ways. A woman has to allow a man to be a man but a man has to allow a woman to be a woman as well and cherish her how she is supposed to be cherished. I think in relationships we take certain things as well as people for granted but the Word is clear as day. Having someone in your life that truly loves you the way that God meant it to be is a blessing within itself but sadly and oddly enough some people realize that they had "the one" when it is too late. I found the conversation to be very interesting and wish you all were there to participate.

Wow, Really?

You know how I said a few days back that God had been sending me the same Bible verse over and over again so I decided to spend some personal time talking to him abut the verse and I did what the verse said do. Lately since I have had a little chat with him, the things I discussed were starting to appear. Not in full manifestation but to let me know that he heard me and if I stayed faithful and prayerful that he would bring what he promised me to pass. Sometimes it is hard to listen to God. If you refer back to the first sentence, you will see that he has to send me the same verse 3 times for me to be like "Oh, I get it?".. I guess he knows that I am a little slow sometimes. I am glad that I serve a God that knows me personally. I am not the type to always get it when I read something or hear it but when I get an email I am on it and all three times the verse came to me through email. Gotta get to you the way that suits you best. One day I will reveal what I have spoken to God about but not now. Will keep you in suspense like he does me. Until next time.

On Time God or Right Now God

I have been emailing a good friend of mine back and forth this morning just talking about some things in life. We do not have to go into detail about what is going on but a nice conversation about God is needed sometimes. I remember a time when I would hang out with her and we were all about getting to the club on the weekend and not really worried about much else. We just lost contact. No reason why. No one was mad or we didn't have a falling out or anything. Well I am convinced that god separated us to deal with each other as individuals before he brought us back together as friends. We are on some different stuff right now than we were before you know. We have different worries and different goals and God brought us back together when he felt it was right not when we wanted to. Why is that so hard to grasp in just every day life? I know that God has promised me something because he has sent me the same message a million and one times but in the back of my mind some days I am like why can't I have it now. It kinda makes you feel like someone is dangling your favorite candy in your face but tells you that you can not have any right now, you have to wait until later. How do we know that if we eat the candy right then that it will not make us sick but if we wait until later when the food has settled then we can enjoy it. Simple analogy but that is how God is. We want a right now God instead of an on time God. God wants to give us the desires of our heart but only when all parties are ready and if it is in his will. If it is in his will for you then you will definitely know. All you have to do is ask and he will tell you. He has told me plain as day but still the selfish side of me just does not want to wait knowing I need to. I guess we have to learn the hard way because God will let us have what we want sometimes when we want it just to show us his power and that we need to wait on him. Lord knows I am glad he makes me wait on some things because I would be in a hot mess if I didn't. It says in the Bible that you should wait on the Lord. Sometimes waiting is not easy but it is best...

Discouraged

Have you ever just been so discouraged that you just don't know what to do? I have been feeling that way lately and I do not know why. I know what God promised me but as the days go by it seems like it is getting farther and farther away. Test of my faith maybe.. Well some days I will get an F... Sometimes I wonder how can I have faith in a situation that seems to be all to pieces all the time. I asked God a question, he gave me an answer and no one says that all is going to be well in the land after he says ok. It could take a year to come to pass or it could take a few days. I know God knows what is best for me but it is hard to keep your eyes on the prize when it keeps moving all around. LOL It is really time for me to stop doubting my God because he is not giving me what I want when I want it. He may just be getting everything ready for me to have and when it is time and the timer goes off then I can have it. Not a second before. I guess I should just stop being pitiful and prepare myself for the things GOd has in store for me. Had to give myself a pep talk today.. Lord help. LMBO... I am truly a mess some days...

Blah

Have you just ever had those moments where you feel blah? There just really is no word for it other than that. I have just been in a keep to myself kinda mood lately because when you deal with things sometimes your business is just that... Your business. There is no need to talk to anyone about it other than God but you just need that sense of peace and meditation time. Normally that is the time that I use before my appointments start. I come into my office and close the door like normal and get my paperwork together and reflect so I can get through my sessions and go home. Not every day is promised to be a good day for us. Today is just one of my not so good days. I have been in prayer and meditation about some things in my life and I know that God is working them out for my good because he promises that he will give me all the desires of my heart if I serve him and keep his commandments. Keep his commandments.. Wow.. That is a challenge. It is not that you do not want to but some days are easier than others especially when you feel that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. I just have those moments where I do not want to talk or be bothered and it seems like that is when everybody else has something to say ALL THE TIME. You do not want to be rude but my facial expressions seem to tell you exactly what I am thinking at all times. Well my day can only get better because it sure can not get any worse. Until next time my loves...

God Speaks But Do We Always Listen

I was reading an article online that says God will speak to us in terms we can understand or ways that will get our attention best. It says that sometimes when God is trying to get us to understand something it could come in terms of a verse almost jumping off a page to get our attention or things like that. I have been praying about a certain situation for a while now and this morning I got an e mail containing a Bible verse that basically answered the question I had been asking all along. Maybe God was just waiting for a time when I would understand him better or feel at peace with it and could accept what he was saying because when I read the verse it was like a light bulb came on. I mean it was just that clear but since I read the verse the devil must know that I am on the right path because I have gotten all kinds of emails saying exactly the opposite of what the verse said but who are you going to listen to, the Bible or some random person online. I mean really. Although the situation is scary because it is such a big life decision I feel at peace with what I want. When I get a verse like that I like to go and read the whole Chapter because we can take things out of context in the Bible and just make them what we want but this time the chapter fits perfectly. When a Word is sent from God it will align with what is going on in your life and there ya go. All said and done. Right now I can not reveal what the situation is but in time I will give my testimony WHEN it comes to pass. Notice I said WHEN and not IF.

I Feel Like a Question Mark

There are some days I wake up and I just feel all over the place. Today is one of those days. I do not know how to feel, what to say, just feel drained. Part of me just wants to go back home and get back in the bed and get up and try it all over again but the other part knows that this could just all be a test of my faith and if I give in, I am letting the devil win. There are so many things on my mind right now that have just left me overwhelmed. Part of me wishes that I could just curl up on the sofa with my favorite blanket and just cry. I wish there were someone that I could talk to that I felt would understand but right now I just do not feel the need to even be bothered. I hate it when I feel this way!!!!

Love is

First official post of the New Year and this one seems to be a monster. I was having a conversation with an ex a few weeks ago and he asked me a question that he never just came out and asked before, at least not like that. He said plain and simple "Tomecca, how did you know that you did not love me any more?" Looking like a deer in headlights I assumed he was asking me because the one he is with now must be showing the same signs and symptoms because we have no interest in being together any more so I just listened. I said I just knew. See, the older I got, my requirements in life were different. I wanted something different and stable not only for myself but for my son. When you get older, you start to worry about different things. I no longer had the time to worry about if he was dead or alive, or if he was coming home, who was watching and why, where he was or who he was with. He made sure that I was taken care of but at what cost. I just didn't want to deal with it any more. He has a heart of gold but no matter how good a person may be, sometimes the bad things they do out shine their good. After some silence, he said "what is love to you then if it is not being financially stable?" I could not get my thoughts together and actually I had to really sit down and think about it. I told him it was not that I did not love him while I was with him it was just not the kind of love to build a life upon. Last night through text with someone else I began to think about the question again. Love is when a man loves God and puts that relationship first and is not afraid to share that with you, pray for you, or even pray with you. Love is when a man is at his weariest and gets up to put in extra hours on his job or even gets a second job to make sure the family is taken care of. Love is when he strives to be at his best before he gets with you. Love is knowing all of the silly things that makes a person tick. You can be with a person forever and not know anything about them. I figured this out by asking my ex what my favorite color was or what one of my favorite songs was and after knowing me for almost 10 years, he had no clue. I was reading last night in Ephesians where it says that a wife should submit herself to her husband and then goes on to say that the husband should be the head of the wife as God is the head of the church. Not to quote that whole chapter it then says that a husband should love his wife like he loves his own body. I had my own stuff to figure out so where better to find the answer than in the Bible. I went online to find a detailed information so I would really know what is what and found this: These verses do not mean that a wife is supposed to be a slave to her husband. But the wife needs to submit herself to her husband as a partner in marriage. The husband and wife must be in agreement in order for a marriage to work, and they must learn how to communicate their feelings to each other. A wife should not make an important family decision without submitting it to her husband just as a husband should not make an important decision without considering his wife’s feelings and concerns. Now when I was with my ex that I referenced before, I could have cared less about what he thought if I did something. That did not mean that I did not ask him for opinion purposes but if I wanted to do something then I just did it with no regard for what he wanted or how he felt because that is how he treated me. Love is sacrifice and action, being obedient to Gods word. Love does not have a condition or a standard. You can not say I love him because he bought me a car or I love him because he has a good job. Real love is being able to accept a person for who they are not what they are. Love is when you are truly mad at someone or aggrevated with them or things are not all peachy like they were during the honeymoon phase and you know that person still cares for you and has your best interest at heart and will do anything to protect you whether it is physically or emotionally. Love is letting go of the fear of being hurt. What people fail to understand is that love hurts too but even when love hurts it doesn't leave. Love is beautiful. Love is forgiving..Sometimes we do not realize what love really is until it is too late....