How long????

This past seven months has been really hard for me. I am a really independent person and I like to handle things on my own so when I lost my job, I never anticipated seven months later that I would still be unemployed. I was accustomed to financially being on top of things. Sure, I had problems like everyone else but it was rarely an occasion where I could not handle something. Financially it has been rough and I have prayed a lot and I know that God is going to answer me but I sometimes want to say God how long do I have to endure? Am I not answering the questions on the test correctly? What do you have in store for me? One day I decided just not to worry about it any more. When the time is right for me to have a job then he will give me one. When it is time for my breakthrough to come it will simply happen. I have managed to semi stay afloat when others have not been able to. God has placed someone in my life that has been such a blessing to me and I will never know how to thank her. On the days when you need someone to talk to and you dont know where to turn, I have been able to share things with her that I have kept locked away. Things from my past that I just needed to let go. I carried that weight too long. You never know who God is going to bring you out or how long it will take. The Bible tells true testaments of how a person can go through things but still hold their faith like they can block everything out that is going on around them and focus completely on God and God alone. I know in my heart that God has something special for me and this is just my time to endure the hardship in order to be groomed. I have been chosen for battle. I often wonder how long the battle is and will I be strong enough to fight and then all of a sudden I get a renewed sense of peace that carries me through. Perhaps this is Gods way of seeing how strong I am going to be and to see how I will handle the next level. I really like the relationship I have with God right now. I can talk to him more freely. I can speak to him in terms that only we can understand. I initially saw this as a punishment for something that maybe I did wrong along the way and maybe it really is but now my perspective is one of joy and hope. I have been able to renew a relationship with him that was not failing but was not as close as it should have been. I may not be where I want to be but I am happy to know that he is with me no matter what happens.

What do you say?

A friend of mine post last weekend that her mother was in the hospital complaining of headaches. Then the unevitable happened. The word cancer appeared and things took a turn for the worst almost immediately. You remain hopeful, you pray, you question, you cry, you scream... Her mother passed away this morning. She lives in Washington State and her family is here in Albany so she was not able to be here to hold her hand or to say her final goodbyes. On top of all of that, her husband is job hunting so money is tight and she didnt know how she was going to get home. A classmate was finally able to get her to let us make donations in order to get her a ticket to be here for the funeral. Right now I feel like what do you say when you don't really know what to say? I can not imagine being in her shoes right now. Not being able to call my mom daily and just talk about the silly stuff we talk about or getting aggravated with her when she tries to handle everything like I am a little kid. The very thought brings me to the brink of a serious anxiety attack. God does everything for a reason and I know you are not supposed to question God but sometimes you just want to look at him and say why... Or why did it have to happen to me this way? I feel so horrible inside and it is not even happening to me. This girl has been an outlet for me sometimes. She has remained strong on the days when I have been weak. She has shared some things with me that I did not know that are somewhat parallel to my own life. It is amazing how you can know someone for so long and not know the details of their life until God allows you to share with that person. I want to hug her. I want to say everything will be okay. I want to say something but what do you say to someone who has just lost their mother. I have decided to go to the funeral to lend my support but I hope that I am able to be the s one this time.

Life Changes

There has been so many things that have changed in my life this past year. I was put in a transitional phase that I was somewhat ready for but not completely. Several aspects of my life seemed to be falling apart and I did not understand why this was happening to me and why now. I was not completely shocked about the work situation but when it happened I was not worried at all because I know that God has something great in store for me. No one plans on losing their job but for the first time in my life I am actually enjoying the time. I would love to have a decent income but the time I have been able to focus on my child and school is immeasureable. I have been on the go since I was 18 years old. I have always worked hard but I have accomplished a lot although it has take me a long time to get there. The point is that I got there. Even aspects of my personal life are all over the place. Some things that have happened I just didn't expect. You can never prepare yourself enough emotionally for some things that take place in your life but I have had to wrap all of my tragedies up in a pretty little package and deliver them to God personally because as long as I continuted to carry it, things were never going to turn out how he planned and the situation is just going to get prolonged. I am ready for a change and changes have come although I am taking my time with it. Some things provide a distraction more than a solution and often times at certain points we can not even tell the difference. God has a special way of giving you a sense of peace about things that no one else can give you. I do not always understand what is going on and I am not going to say that it does not make me uneasy at times but my pastor always says "there's something in the wait" so I will continue waiting until my breakthrough comes. Gotta go my friends... Will write again soon...