I'm Back

It has been a long time since I have had the inspiration to write. There has been so much that has happened over the past few months. I guess both good and bad. I was looking on my Facebook page today and saw a quote that said "You can't move forward if you continue to look back." Now I have been struggling with this for a long time because I have a serious fear of the unknown. I also had someone tell me that it is easy to keep dealing with a situation when you have nothing else better to do. Say what now? I knew that for me because I would much rather try to fix a situation that I am already in versus start a new one. At some point in time you just have to start fresh. Pick up the pieces and move on. Easier said than done but if you look at it, we have all done it before and we were okay in the end. I have prayed about the situation and at the right time, I know God will give me an answer and I just have to step out and do what he leads my heart to do no matter what it is. I feel like he is already preparing my heart for the shift because the situation just doesn't bother me as much as it did before which is a sign that I know I am getting better. That is just a little nugget for you all tonight but I will discuss it more as the matter unfolds. Stay tuned. This is getting more interesting by the day.

Valentine's Day Memories

Valentine's Day was once one of my favorite days. Not because it is a day to show love because you should do that every day. It is because it was a day that you could just go all out and do something sweet for someone you love. One of my fondest memories was when I was dating someone that knew how much I loved the day so while we were together my day would always start out the same. He would have one of my co workers go and get my favorite breakfast and then that afternoon I would get flowers with a note. The note contained a clue as to what was to come later. I was always like a kid on Christmas on Vday. When I got my flowers that last year we were together he did something special. It did not take a lot of money but it definitely took a lot of time which made me feel special. That evening I found another note and it simply stated to meet him at one of my favorite places but to wear something comfortable. When I got there, there were candles, my favorite CD playing, a blanket, and my favorite dinner that he cooked himself. I had a late night picnic. We ate, talked and just had a great time and it meant more than everything else because he was normally one to buy jewelry and send flowers but that particular year he went all out just for me. It is not always about how much money you spend but sometimes it is about the thought. Sometimes just having that special moment with someone is what means the most. I hope everyone had a wonderful day and continue to love and be loved in return. This is actually part of an older post I did a few years ago.

I Said Yes

I know the title may throw some off but I am not speaking of marriage. I decided to say yes to myself. There has been so many times that I have put everyone else's needs before mine until I had nothing left to give. I no longer know how to feel any more. As a woman, it is often times in our nature to care for everyone else and put our needs aside but then I have to wonder who is going to take care of me? Who's going to love me? Who is going to put a smile on my face? For now, I do not mind being that person. I forgot how to love me and in turn I feel like I forgot how to be loved. I feel lost sometimes. I feel forgotten about in more ways than one. At any given moment, I am going to shut down completely and that is not good because I have been there before and I turned my back on the closest person to me. Sometimes I really miss that person. Some of my favorite moments were with them, especially on days like today. I have decided that for once in my life that I want to put myself first. No one will love me more than me and that was a hard lesson for me to learn. I love you guys but that is all for now. Just a little bit to get you through until next time.

Praising My Way Through

Sometimes you look at you situation and think that you have the worst situation ever but when you look back on it, it really couldve been worse. I lost my job back in March of this year and although things are not what they once were for me financially, I have managed to keep all of my stuff. I was a financial counselor and I would counsel people all the time that lost their job and had to file bankruptcy in order to stay afloat and keep their stuff. I have managed to keep my car, a roof over my head, and food in the fridge. I would get down at times but I serve a God that has kept me and my son during this time. I have a family that has had my back and has stepped in when needed. I also have friends that have done the same. When you are in your darkest hour, you know exactly who is going to be there for you and who arent. I have managed to see different sides of people that I never thought I would see and have had to let some go along the way but I am not sad by any means. I know that God is getting rid of everything that does not need to be there in order for me to prosper when I am elevated to where I am destined to be. There are so many things that I want to do for the people that have helped me along the way. Even if it is just taking them to lunch to say thank you I will make sure something happens for them. I want them to know how much I appreciate them and that it did not go unnoticed. Even though I am not where I want to be, I take confidence in knowing that I am exactly where God wants me to be.

Confirmation

I have had so many areas of my life that need a revamp over the past few years it is craziness. It seems like everything happened at once. Relationship went all the way to the left, friendships were suffering, lost my job, finances were all out of order, and whatever else that could have possibly happened did. Some days I wanted to look at God and say "What did I do to you?" I mean really, everything was coming at me at once and then I had to stop and realize, he wouldn't allow all of these things to happen if there was not something else better in store. I have been out of work since March and I have managed to maintain in an economy where people are losing things left and right. Things are not like they were when I stopeed working but I am holding it together which is a blessing in itself. I have been able to just have fun. This is something that I obviously forgot how to do because I never had the time. I have been able to enjoy my son for the first time in a long time and spend quality time with him. Work has always consumed me. I am finally able to just enjoy going to school and not rush through it. Today at church a lady preached about your best days are yet to come and that we should lunge out and take what we want. Then I checked my facebook page and Joel Osteen said the same thing. Sometimes God reaches us through non traditional means but he reaches us just the same. Things are starting to look better and I am a believer that he didn't bring me this far to leave me.

I'm Sorry Isn't Going to Get It This Time

I never thought that a person that was so close to me would do so many things to not only hurt me but hurt others and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. After the demise of a friendship the other day, I received several texts stating that they were sorry and that they did not know what they said would hurt me. Now this person knew a lot about me and I find it truly hard to believe that they did not know that the situation would make me mad since they lie about everything else. They felt as though everything should go back to normal and that I should just forget it. One thing I can do is forgive, one thing I can't it forget. Sometimes people fail to understand the extent of what they do or they have lied so much they are just oblivious to the fact that they have done yet another deed to piss someone off. I know that god has been telling me for a long time to let this person go out of my life but I had such a hard time turning my back on a person that had been there for me through some of the worst things in my life. I guess sometimes when we do not take heed to the word God has to put us in a situation where we have to listen and that was it for me. For some odd reason, I expected to be sad or hurt but I am not. I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder and I can freely just move on with life and leave that behind me. Everyone that you come across in life is not there for the long haul but it is sometimes hard to recognize when to just say your purpose has been fulfilled and it is time for me to just let go. I guess I have had to learn a hard lesson and in the end it will be okay but I will make sure to really listen to God more and seek him on decisions.

Betrayal

There are times in your life where you just have to evaluate someone's role in your life. I have been back and forth with someone for years and once I finally got to a point where I could be friends with them, I was betrayed again. If there is one thing that I do not like is hearing information that I should hear directly from the source from another person. Not my deal. If I ask you to tell me the truth about something then just go ahead and tell me because if I hear it from someone else, it makes me look at you differently and at some point, I just can't recover from that. I had to make the decision to separate myself completely and just let go. Even though there was an apology, it didn't mean anything to me. There has just been so many lies told on their end I don't feel the need to decipher the truth. I can only go based on how I am feeling right now and that is betrayed. I guess when you put your trust and faith in a person and they do something to hurt you then you can just turn your emotions off. At least that is how it seemed to happen for me. I was no longer the person that was understanding. I was no longer the one that wanted to hear it. I was no longer the person that cared. I guess it is really true that a person can only take so much. I prayed about this situation for a long time and it was no longer sitting well in my spirit so I knew I just had to walk away from my friendship but I didn't know how. I guess the other nigth God put me in the position where I did not have another choice. I couldn't take it any more and no matter how many times the person said they were sorry it was the equivalent of dead silence to me. My heart was numb and closed. I didnt have it in me to continue but I knew it was the best decision I could have made because it would only continue to drag me down. Can I forgive? Of course I can, I have already done it but that doesn't mean that I have to continue something that is not good for me. I thought this would hurt me but it didn't. Instead I was angry. I yelled, I said things that I have pinned up inside for years, I screamed but one thing I didn't do was cry. I am a very sensitive person and when I am talking to you about something emotional and I can't cry about it anymore then I am done and that is just it. I had to learn at an early age that it is just best sometimes to let some people go and just leave it at that. My sanity means more to me than a dead end Friendship/relationship. Sad but true I guess. Until next time my friends.